i wanna be the one to know

Rivers of sorrow
Where once the tears did flow
Now a heart so frozen and cold like ice
Fighting to let go of the reprise
I beg you to open up, but in vain
Urging you to share and halve your pain
As I walk, I see yet another shadow
My hand outstretched, I want to say that I will never let go
Speechless, I see the turmoil in your eyes
And I can sense the apprehension rise
Let the darkness merge
Let the emotions surge
As your soul is revived once more
I want to be the one to know
Rivers of sorrow
where once the tears did flow

The Concert

I heard about it in the most disrepespectful manner….an orkut scrap!!!!!!!ya…just said dat sanjay is singing tomorrow at ASU and u better land up at so and so place blah blah blah……only then did I realize how ignorant I had been…..my association with music began almost ever since I was born….my mom would have me on her lap while her “vaadiyaar” taught her music….she hosted her guru every week….and he would make me sit on his lap and enjoy listening to me rattling off lyrics of all the songs that he taught……I wonder how he did not feel humiliated or insulted listening to me rendering the famous compositions of stalwarts like tyagaraja and dikshithar in my own sweet way….he always used to say that he enjoyed the way in which I “narrated” the songs….i promptly joined music classes at the age of 4……and this was to continue for another 10 years…..every concert every event …..my parents would be there….they had this awesome collection of songs too…...i turned a blind eye to most of these once I was in secondary school. The practice sessions etc slowly diminished… so much so that they happened only if there was a power cut and I had nothing better to do!!!!My mom was quite disturbed and offended thanks to the audacity with which I refused to comply to her numerous requests to listen to my voice…..it was “bold and beautiful”….and she could never understand why I was so dispassionate about it…..i continued to be so ..even in college…when I refused to even audition to join the club for classical music and dance namely “Raagamalika”. I went the first time and flunked it….mebbe that was another reason why I never went again….my friend would come down every semester just before the auditions; she was a very active member and wanted me to join the club….but I would just not do it……yesterday’s concert was a wonderful experience….contrary to my usual indifference, I actually enjoyed the soul rendering music….i could relate to it …every second of it….i could indentify almost all the ragas…..one of them..none of my other friends could recognize…..I knew some of the songs that he sang…most of them were on siva and in tamil( that was when I realized it was mahasivaratri) and the “gult” that I am, I would have been happier if he would have sung some of saint tyagaraja’s krithis…..but still, I cannot forget the lilting raagamalika that captured the audience……hamsadhwani,saveri,kapi and so many ragas….even before we figured what they were…he would switch to the next one…amazing control….he practically played with the swaras…the RTP just transported me to a different world altogether…..I am happy I decided to be there after all….

i shall always love u

As I watch you walk away from me
There is just one thing that I wish to say
That I shall always love you
With the freshness of the roses so red and lilies so blue

I ask if I can hold you one last time
but I know that you will not hear me anymore
please let me kiss you goodbye
why is it dat I feel im drowning; even when im on the shore

You made me laugh
you made me cry
You made me want to live
Now you make me want to die

I need you to walk by my side
Oh my love! don’t desert me, you don’t have to go
Like old times, I wish I could stroke your hair
And wake up next to u, to see the morning sun glow

There is just one thing that I wish to say
That I shall always love you
With the freshness of the roses so red and lilies so blue

i have to let you go

Its been one of the worst days of my life- I knew that I would be bad at this…I am ashamed to learn that I cannot just forget things….I just cant let you go away…..You have stood by me all through my life….the only faithful companion that I had…watched every single moment…have been behind every single thing that I did in the past…..It is so hard to just cut you off like this….but if this is it….so be it…I will have to let you go….i know that wherever you are…you are there with a purpose and I respect that….i dread meeting people for they are sure going to prod me and ask me why everything has changed….i wonder if this is going to be that conspicuous………..
Well mebbe it is…especially since I have been identified with hair that was 15 inches long all through my life!!!!!!!Long tresses just above my knees till I was in school and hair that came upto my waist until a few hours ago…was pretty easy for people to spot me too…..but rather than being a useless exhibit that just attracts unwanted(?) attention, I am sure that the cancer patient who gets it would make good use of it….its a nice feeling…and I wish I could do this more often….

i dont have a heading for this one

What lies beneath
Is not what appears to be
for, what really is
is never what you see

thou art wrong if you think
that you know it all through
since every moment you spend
you learn something new

Strange it is indeed
To encounter the vagaries of life
Just when u think that the day brings the end
The magical night helps you revive

dreams and reality

For many, it is a place to flee from and for several others it now brings misfortune- the huge tidal waves and the tempests always take away the lives of millions. But to me,the sea is always a dream. The horizon seems unreachable and so far away,and I love to think of life as an attempt to get nearer to it…where the sea and sky blend into one another..where differences will dissolve and everything inside me is unified into a supreme serenity; where even sorrow,grief and pain shall converge into strength and make me smile. As I said always, the sea was where I could find tranquility juxtaposed with tempestousness……. I would love to walk on the wet sands…leaving footprints in the sand. With the cool fresh sea breeze on my face, I dream of sauntering along the shores while carrying out an aimless conversation, conscious of the lovely sensation as I let the chill winds play with my hair and make it dance.I see the eagles far above circling me as if mocking at me that I can never have the perspective that they have.A few metres away…the catamarans anchored….emaciated,gaunt and tired human forms smiling as they glance into their fishing nets –at their booty….content…as they walk into their huts to feed their families. Little kids playing with the shells in the sands. The vendor with his dirty oil lamp desperately trying to sell me his overcooked peanuts. It is a very ordinary scene and yet so strikingly simple and that in itself makes it exquisite.
The snoring behind me jolts me back to my present. Strange that now I feel I need it to put me to sleep. A look askance brings my cell phone into view telling me that this is indeed a dream –as always. I see walls around me. The ambience is no more fresh, natural and so full of energy. I trudge on hard cement and see buildings all around me. It’s the hi-tech world. Everything I see around me feels foreign. Life is so fast that I just get a glimpse of things for a fleeting moment. Everything here is evanescent. Speed kills. It kills the beauty that I long to discover in all that I see. The simple and happy people have been replaced by weird esoteric hypocritical souls. Landscapes have changed and old skins have to be shed. But in all this, there are a few priceless moments that shall remain. The selfless love in my mother’s eyes as she bade me goodbye…my sister’s innocent affection when she would hug me every single morning when I was at home…the odd phone calls my friend makes to narrate all her weird experiences….my paints, my books, my music, my diary, my room, the solitude, my thoughts, my space, my self……This is an ode to my true companions…I am happy that I have discovered them at last.


This might seem a lil out of place…but this is the best birthday wish I had-
The beauty of humans lies in the change which occurs within them. It is called metamorphosis. The reason why Butterflies are nice is coz they still have that soft caterpillar's heart.....Same way, I hope that this year you become a butterfly with pretty colored wings but with the same soft heart that you always had....

non stop nonsense

attachment is dangerous...i cannot even count the number of times i have repeated this....to people around me ....neither can i forget how hard i have attempted to remind myself of this phrase.....its lame...datz what i realised...
Untill recently i would always wonder why my lab-mate was so weird n distant...he has this nonchalant dispassionate attitude towards anything and everything....the discussion happened because another guy was leaving coz he got a job...and i realised dat my labmate had lost 2 ppl he loved the most...his mother and his fiancee...his mother succumbed to her illness while his fiancee battles an incurable disease....so what can he say when someone asked him if one must get attached or not? he jus laughs it off....and says- datz what makes us human....

go away
i say to everything
to the bees dat buzz
to the birds that chirp
to the flowers that blossom
to the world dat sucks
to the people that hurt
urnt gonna be there all the time
u will be gone
when the need arises
so why this false pretense?