Those ugly fears in my head

A fabulous evening it was, as we walked along the beach. The wind was kissing the tall green blades of grass and the water shimmered under the evening sun. It was warm and lovely – he said. I longed to agree with him. I felt cold and I could sense the tension build up inside me. My heart was throbbing and the fear was unbearable. Oh how I wished I could speak about the way I felt. The ignominy weighed me down as always. I tried to listen, but he seemed so distant. Even as he made my head rest on his knee, I could feel the wetness on my forehead. It all came back to me in a flash. The faces of the men who had cornered me. I had watched helplessly as my best friend in school fled for her life. I could not blame her.How could I forget the rough hands, the cruel faces and the harsh lips all over me. The dark corridor in school which I always feared. My relentless screams had probably saved me but I had struggled to fight the feeling of shame and disgust ever since.And now, I felt his hands softly caress my face and I looked into his tender eyes even as they became bigger and bigger and bigger….untill the moment when I could feel his breath on my lips…I began to whimper and tremble….i had to break free…..i scrambled back onto my feet and began running…..i had no strength…..i could never succeed in fighting the fear……..a few feet away from the water I heard the shouting and I looked back to see his face even as his hands gripped me.I felt the soft and comforting words soothe me. I knew not how long I stayed. But I remember the feeling as the pain left me…to be gone forever….as all that I had suppressed began to flow…I remember the night that had given me hope…the first time that I had ever wished to see the sun rise and feel its warmth on my skin. I had fought them and won; I was at last rid of those ugly fears in my head.

Those Big Evenings

Its been more than four years since i was awarded the Aditya Birla Scholarship. Two days back, i received an email from Corporate Communications at The Aditya Birla Group, asking if i could be present for an Alumni meet at Mumbai. I remembered this person because she was extremely sweet and one of the very few people who did not show the "Oh poor bitisian things - why did they even come? these JEE top rank prodigies will jus squash you" attitude.
It all began with this little chit of paper slipped under my door sometime in Aug 2001. Stated that i must meet "gsu" regarding these scholarships. I never went because i was mortally scared of him and i was sure that it was some mistake. Indu dragged me along the next time, and we figured that this was something BIG. The forms came and the essays were written. I spoke about the olympiads, IGCAR and what i wanted to do. And then it was forgotten;totally cast aside. I wasnteven supposed to be eligible because it was meant for toppers and the professors decided to send all the state toppers. They had to have 20 and it so happened that there were only 17. They decided to pick the highest rank in Chemical, Civil and Mechanical Engineering and i happened to be the one in chemical engg. Until then i was damn confused with the decision i had taken because i knew i could have done a EEE if i wanted to. I dont think i gave it a second thought ever since. After about a month, three girls from BITS were chosen for the next round. Our warden so happy that she almost hugged us.
We had tickets on the Rajdhaani to Bombay and lived in a three star hotel. Our interviews took place in a room at the Taj, overlooking the beach and the Gateway of India. Grandeur is what i lived in, for two days. The delineation between us and the rest was distinctly seen. For some reason, we were less endowed ( ahem! no pun intended) and were cast aside. The schedules said IIT and IIM .....they were not modified to include the fact that BITS was participating. We felt stupid to say the least. The interview itself was one of its kind. Illustrious people...not one not two, four of them. Director general CSIR, Director BARC and two others. I was pissing in my pants. The woman who escorted me was the person representing the Birla Group and was just making sure that things werent going too technical. Twenty minutes later I walked out dazed. I had talked about Brain Drain, the quit india movement, Cloning and the united states preventing a lot of it from happening, Stem Cells, Darwins theory and giraffes with long necks, Entropy, what was common and different between a scientist and an artist, if i would be able to balance a family and a career and kalpakkam. Two hours later, when all three of our names were called, we felt like kicking every other person's behind. The dinner was a strain and so were all the formalities the next day. But a wonderful experience.
All notice boards in pilani had a copy of our photograph in the newspapers, and i got to meet the Director in person thanks to this. Some bastard claimed i sweet talked my way through it. Fuck him...and four and a half years later i remember every microsecond of those 36 hours....I went back two years later for an alumni meet and this was more fun. I stayed at the Taj just after the blasts at the Gateway of India. Lavish is the only word i can think of. The best moment was when my dad called up and said that the Director BARC spoke to him and congradulated him on my winning the scholarship....and of course the fact that it lifted a HUGE financial burden off his head......The Fulton Fellowship thing that i received at ASU seemed quite similar and was thoroughly an enjoyable experience as well. And oh...i still hold a four year ole grudge against a person whom i claim was too egoistic to acknowledge my presence on the day of the interviews in Bombay.

Once upon a time....

Year 2004....Pilani.....Vidya Vihar....Meera Marg....old dirty gates....MEERA BHAVAN...enter the abode of Isadora...the gift of Isis........kinda ironic that the hostel has a divine pristine name- Meera Bhavan...quite misleading.About 500 young women dwell in the older blocks while 400 others live in the newer 7,8 and 9 blocks
The first block to the left as one enters". 12 rooms on either side ..6 + 6 facing each other and two floors.....so 48 in total....every 12 rooms forms the 'wing'. After much ado and battles in the Hostel Mess, allotments were made and yours truly inhabits one of the 12 rooms on one side of the block-room number 1221(first floor). Our "wing"was mostly composed of illads and the gults....
2nd week of Jan....Tue morning 7 pm....everyone snores away to glory.....1224 is up a little early since she has the fixation that she has to bathe even if it is freezing outside....the daily tutorials are scheduled for 8 am.....1222 is up as well....early bird....when it is too cold to step outside, she plays her morning quota of tennis by trying to kill a blister fly in her room....
if u reside in Meera Bhavan you have to be aware of a few things
The dangerous blister fly that buzzes around all the time....if it stings you it can cause a painful blister that will bother you for almost a week
Bee hives in block 9
The legend of a girl being murdered in the old block
The warden M.Bans...she bangs...she sure does

At 7.40 doors open in quick succession....groggy swollen eyes....plastic mug in one hand and a tooth brush in another....u can see a group huddled around the only two sinks....a sq cm of space for urself is lucky....face wash is the other commodity that always accompanies the tooth brush....1204 is right opposite 1221 and is home to a lass who is trying to study MMS - Master of management studies...nah...we like to call it master of masturbation and sex....lazy professors they had....no tutorials..so this creature has never seen 8 am on a day when the temp outside is zero degrees celsius....she snores on...blissfully unaware of all that is happening...
good mornings are constantly interrupted by noises which sound like an approaching tsunami wave....a sign that the flushes still function....no official training to learn how to use it...you jus get used to it...basically yank the rope and look up at the huge dirty metal tank....the cobwebs and the huge lizard make ur adrenaline rise and you use ur entire weight to hang on to the rope....finally the "tsunami arrival" sounds indicate that u have succeeded in your endeavour

graduating to the next stage...
change into a pair of jeans and some t shirt which is clean....layers of clothes...sweaters or a jacket , gloves, a cap, socks and shoes....run down two stairs at a time into the mess....a HUGE line and u see ppl up...fresh like a flower..scary! ....foreheads smeared with kumkum or chandan....some others eating and glancing at their books...last minute ghoting..never helps...you struggle to remember the process control stuff dat u tried to cram up after 11 pm- which is when gates closed the previous nite....shaking ur head u stand in the line...grab the piece of burnt toast...a glass of horrid coffee....the butter is of course rock solid...the ritual that follows is placing the toast with the butter on the stainless steel glass containing the coffee....it melts in a few seconds thanks to the hot coffee and u can spread it to some extent....gobble it and gulp down the coffee....grab the keys ....the hunt begins....like looking for a needle in a haystack...finally u succeed in locating your bike and even if it has flat tires ...u pedal with all ur might.....its foggy and the bell saves the day...lazy bastards walking right in the middle of the roads wont even budge otherwise....as the siren is heard, yours truly makes a valiant attempt to sprint the last 100 yards...water on the ground....slip slip slip....wham!!!!!!! she lands on the ground....screws her back and the tutorial....independent events of course....

i simply loved it